also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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