If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
