I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
