I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Welp...herpes.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Bring me that man meat
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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