Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
