brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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