I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
