I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
