I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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