It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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