Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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