Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Hippo gnu deer
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
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Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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