Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
