This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
