He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
