trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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