my phone needs a breathalizer
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
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