I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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