If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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