aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
