Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
