dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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