i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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