Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
