"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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