She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
