Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
