Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
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i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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