if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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