just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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