I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
