Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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