Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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