I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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