No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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