Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
