If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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