Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
