she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
