Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
