i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
