Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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