don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
