turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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