My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
There's always time for handjobs
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
