apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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