Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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