i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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