Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
