She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
