Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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