Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
did i walk over a car last night?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Of course I have a pirate flag
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
