I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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