I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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