you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
