remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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