Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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