I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
