Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
