You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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